The ARF describes a lot of friendships that I seem to have (and some relationships that I've had as well) -- when you fit into their schedule, it's called "quality time," when you don't, then it's "I'm too busy, why can't you understand." I guess for some people, depending on the circumstance, I'd rather see them than not, but I'd rather the person be up front. If all you need is a ride to the airport, just say as much, so I can decide if taking half a day to be an airport shuttle is worth the time spent with you.
Because I think this way, I have often been told that I have impossibly hight standards for friendships. I think that the reality is other people around me have impossibly low standards for friendships. In the scenario of the ARF--why am I the friend that is called to shuttle the ARF around--why isnt the person who the ARF staying/spending time with, on Airport friend duty?
Over time, ARF has come to be synonomous with the types of friendships where you never hear from the person except for 4 things: Marriage, Baby, Death, Need something. Everything in-between--the meat of a real friendship--does not exist.
Which brings me to the subject of this post. I'll call him Smitty. Smitty and I have known each other for almost 20 years--purely platonic. In High School, we were as thick as theives, partners in crime, always sneaking around to do stupid kid shit. After his first yr of college, he dropped out and moved to another city 3hrs away. We still kept in contact, still saw each other, but obviously things were different. Which is fine, such is life. Post-college (for me), it got to a point where the only time I/we ever heard from him was when he was going through a breakup. When things were good--not a word. When things were shitty for me--he was never there. The final nail in the coffin was when I moved to SF. For whatever reason, the distance was enough to cut all communication whatsoever. My first year out here was really difficult, as I basically had no friends and was struggling in every way a person can struggle. Very very few of my old life-time friends were there for me. Smitty included.
The result is that I told him that I couldn't be friends with someone who has no idea what was going on in my life. I never expected 10 hr phone conversations (as I'm not a phone person), or even a 20pg email every night. I just wanted to know that he was there. That if I needed to talk to him, I could. That if I emailed him, and was sad, he would at the very least, respond. If that is a high standard for friendship, then what else is there?
Recently, we met up again (not surprisingly, inbetween girlfriends) and he told me how much he missed our friendship, and how much he cared about me and would always care about me, and that he could understand why I did what I did. So I opened the door again....and since doing that, only heard from him when he invited me to his wedding--to a girl I never new he was even engaged to except through mutual friends.
NG and I flew to his wedding. As most weddings go, we didn't see much of the groom. I hung out with friends I hadn't seen in a long time. We picked up our stupid antics from where we left off, etc. Then we left early and went out.
The time at the wedding can be classified as: having a few beers, taking stupid pictures, acting like robots, and dancing with a little kid. There was this guy there, who I/we did not have any idea who it was, who had changed out of his formal wedding attire into jeans and a polo. He sat in the corner, head in hands, looking either extremely tired or extremely bored. One of the people in my group called him "Sickley." We took 2 pictures where we pretended to be Sickley. It was just weird.
After the wedding, as expected, radio silence. Enter facebook. After Smitty "found me" on facebook, he then proceeded to tell me he was having a child...through facebook. Which, whatever. I was like, great to hear from you...finally...and congrats...
Then yesterday, he sent me an email (via facebook again) telling me that he had "heard" that I had been calling someone Sickley, and how messed up it was bc it was his brother-in-law who has been going through hard times and is alwasy depressed, never wants to go out, can't hold down a job, etc etc, and that I was fucked up for calling him Sickley, and that he really hopes he didnt realize we were making fun of him.
My response:
1. You of all people have no right to get on your pedastal concerning making fun of people. The person who actively participates in a karaoke rendition of a song sung in the voice of "Corky"
2. Everyone makes fun of everyone. Is it right ? No. Do we all still do it? Yes.
3. Why am I being singled out as the person to receive all your anger. Of the 3-5 emails I've received from Smitty in the past, what, 10 yrs, this is one of them? Baby on board doesnt receive a full email, but this does?
4. If you think that little of me that you would think that I would intentionally make fun of someone who is depressed, knowing the facts around the story, then you're messed up. Obviously it was just being stupid. Obviously it wasn't meant to harm anyone. And for this I apologized.
But then I added:
It's pretty fucked up that the only time you can email me is over something like this, especially considering you couldn't even send a simple thank-you to me or some other of your friends for the gift they gave you at your wedding. It's been over a year. There is no excuse. None.
HIs response:
My big concern is that I didn't want the sickley thing to continue on here, where my brother-in-law is one of my friends. I worry a lot about him, and I appreciate you appreciating my concern - it just worries me that he'd see this and become more of a recluse/depression case than he is now, if he put two and two together. I half expected him to back out of being in the wedding at the last minute, which is what he has done for basically every social situation I've invited him to in the past few years. When I heard that you guys were having a good time discussing a peanut at the wedding, I worried it was him, but it didn't ever come up again until I saw the nickname today.
As for the me being a shitty friend and all, I get it. I wish I wasn't that friend who was the flake of the group. I actually pulled a few thank you cards from the wedding out of the pile of cards my wife wrote, because I didn't want people that my wife didn't even really know to get a card obviousl written by her with my signature added later. Then I flaked out and never rewrote them, and I suck for that. There's really nothing I can say about that beyond it shames me that I didn't let you all know how much we appreciated your presence as well as the gifts. And don't think I didn't notice you were there. I truly love that you and NG made the trip, especially because we've been so out of touch for years. I had very little chance to hang out and catch up because it was probably the most hectic night of my life. That's why we set up the picnic the next day, so we could hang out in a more relaxed setting, but even that seemed like a madhouse.
As much as I want to be a more responsible, less flaky person, I keep finding myself in days like today where I look at al the good intentions I have that I don't follow through on and then wallow in self-pity. I am freaking out about the fact that some kid is going to have me as a father in six months when I have so little of my own life together. And as I type this and my dog is calling out for myattention, I realize I shouldn't even make time for this - I should be with my wife or grading papers for my job. I have been excited about getting to actually have some communication with you and R and others on Facebook, but I shouldn't promise I can make the time to keep up if I don't, especially if it's not enough for you and others. Sorry I broke the news to you about the baby over Facebook - I didn't realize that was going to upset you.
I hope we can move past all of this, but I don't know if I can be the friend who won't dissappoint you. And I'm sorry if you think I should makeyou more of a priority in my life, but I'm pretty damn happy with my priority list right now, just as I don't regret how I spent my wedding night (except for all the sweating). If the attention and time I get to talk with you is always not going to be enough, let me know now.
My thoughts;
1. If writing a thank-you for something you received after over a year is too much effort...I really don't know what to say. You acknowledged it was wrong, but you did nothing about it. Instead, turned it around so I'm somehow wrong for demanding too much.
2. I've never asked to be a "priority" on your magical priority list. Clearly, I am not one now, and have not been in a long time, if ever. To think that I would expect that after years of 0 communication is ridiculous.
3. If your dog tops your priority list over a friend you've known for nearly 20 years, then your priorities are extremely fucked up.
4. Get over yourself
And now that I have vented, and since I have no plans of returning such a ridiculous, self-involved facebook message...that is all I'll say about this.