"house hunting. ng and i have been sending each other links back and forth. one had a pretty busted kitchen, and some wicker around the front porch area that looked like they type of situation where little girls are kidnapped and raped, but other than that, it had a lot of potential. im sure all these houses are nestled somewhere in the ghetto too. evenso, what we could afford here, versus what we could afford in dc is like night and day. here: studio in bayview on a busy street with no parking, with $600 HOA fees. there: normal sized house with more than one bedroom and bathroom. realistically, we prob wont buy anything right away, but just knowing that we could makes me feel like a grown up finally. not sure if thats good or bad." ""you can always come back and visit," people have told me. ya, but it's not the same as having a home in the city that you can come home to. Visiting, whether staying in a hotel or at a friends, seems weird. Time is limited. No more waking up late, goofing around til midday, grabbing food at the diner down the street, shopping at the grocery store, coming home and watching tv. You just don't do this kind of crap when you visit. Visits are packed with dinners out, and cramming in as many friends and brunches as humanly possible. i think that's what ill miss most. The posibility that at any given weekend, you could just do nothing, and bc it was here, it would be amazing. I'm sure I'll get used to i tthough. One of my favorite things in life, after all, is watching tv in a hotel room. Just different is all, still coming to grips with it." "NG accepted the offer as presented today for the DC job. After this, a series of tests, and then I guess we can set a date. I'm freaking out just a bit. Moments where I stop myself and think, crap, this is probably the last time I'll be doing that here, or crap, I wonder how many more chances I'll get to see this view from my garden. I wonder how I'll feel when I come back to visit, and this place no longer feels like home. Damn you, Sentiment. The Canadian pointed out that I downplayed how much I hate my job in my last post. So, for the record -- I don't just hate my job, I loathe it in a way that has made me really reconsider what I want to do in life. Every morning, I dread waking up to go to work. I have to pump myself up, forcing myself to think of baby milestones that will get me through the day: if i can just get some coffee, I'll be good, ok, I'll just surf the net for the first hr at work, it won't be so bad, ok, just a few more hours until lunch, ok, half way point, just 4 more hours to go, ok get to 3pm, and you can have a diet dp, ok 45 minutes to go start shutting down. This is literally how I get through each and every day. I dread it because every day is a firedrill, every day I feel like I'm worthless, and at least once a week, I hide in this little hidden cubby hole behind my cube where nobody can see me, and cry. I don't even know why. I have never ever hated a job more. Ever. I hate everything about it -- what I do, leadership, the people in my office, the way we are treated. Like I said, I loathe my job with intensity. I've been trying to hold on until the wedding, but if we move to DC, I'm going to take the time between jobs to just get it together. This doesn't seem like a normal situation to me (work-wise). I need to figure out how to change it, so at the very least, I'm indifferent about work, rather than completely unable to tolerate it. I think part of it is, I need to find a new path in life, career-wise. Another part is, I'm probably always going to hate working in a corporate environment (or quite possibly, maybe any environment), I just need to try and find something different. Really different. Not just same job, different company, different place. With the knowledge that I am most likely moving to DC before end of year in the back of my head, work has been completely different. It's almost funny now, the way it is so ridiculous. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have a positive outlook (I don't), but it's amazing how different things are when you don't feel trapped, when I know in the back of my head I could just say fuck it, I quit, truly at any given moment. I'll wait for the official contract to come through though, until I start really fucking around. Looking through old photos makes me sad to leave all over again. In my head, I can't imagine living anywhere else. But thinking of leaving my job as a perk of moving somewhere new: totally worth it. Living in another city is slowly (very slowly) starting to sink in and feel less dream-like. I'm going to do what I don't normally ever do, and focus on the good things my last months here (providing everything goes off as planned). For example, today, I caught a glance out my window on the 10th floor of my building -- one I've seen a million times, and one I rarely notice anymore. I stopped what I was doing. Pulled up the shades, and just sat there and stared. I really do have, and have had, a great view." Hello Journal that I haven't posted in for a year (maybe longer)? It's 5am, and I need a place to write. I can't sleep. My life is changing. We decided today to move to D.C. I'm mostly excited. I'm also extremely sad. If this all happens the way we want it to work, we have a little over three months left in San Francisco, one month of which we won't be here. I will be one month away from eight years. Last weekend, we were house-hunting in Protrero, talking about the next five or ten years of our life, raising kids, getting a westie, going camping. NG had just received an offer from a big company in Oakland that paid well, and more importantly, that he was excited about. We talked about our life out here, how to make it work, how we loved being here in the city together, all the things we still wanted to do. That was last weekend. Monday, NG received an offer for a govt job -- one that he had been trying to get for over a year. The one we talked about in theory, as in, "I'll only move to DC if you get your dream job." He got it. I don't know about "dream job," but in my gut, I know it's what he wants to do, and where he wants to be. But. I'm still sad. Really really sad. But that's a good thing. I've had really amazing years in San Francisco, and also, really terrible ones. My relationship with San Francisco and this area has been love/hate. This, was a good year. A great year in many ways -- we got engaged, we explored a lot, camped a lot, ate a lot (too much probably), laughed a lot. I started to love being here again when NG moved here, and that tells me a lot. Life is life, regardless of where you live. What makes it good are the people you share it with. A part of me wonders what life would be like if we scrounged our pennies together, bought the loft we had been talking about, lived out here until our kids were a little older. I'm going back and forth on this ideal -- is that lifestyle even attainable? Every way I think around it, it seems like the impossible equation. Currently, NG and I both make pretty good salaries. With his new job, he'd make more money, and we could do what everyone here does -- move out of the city, buy a house in Marin, work crazy hours and/or stressful jobs in order to pay for our awesome house in an awesome location. If our day-to-day life is anything like what it is now, we'll have nothing left for our potential future families, and nothing left for each other. Every weekend, we'll escape from the city in search of just a few hours of solitude, peace, and rest. I love this place, but I don't know how much longer I could do it, working to the bone, just to keep our head above water. In the DC area, we could afford a house on one person's salary. We could save money. We could travel more, further. We'd have our day-to-day lives back. We could be closer to family. DC is not San Francisco, but it's a new place to explore, lots of things to do. In my mind, a better quality of life for the things that both NG and I really value. Things I'll miss: The fog, in general, the perfect outdoor weather The remote, rugged beaches, that are cold as hell Landscape so beautiful, it feels as if your heart will break in two My friends. I'm really going to miss the group of people who I've shared my life with out here. I don't see them a ton on a daily basis, but its more the idea that I could call any one of them up and have a bbq or go to the park. Fortunately, I don't think that distance will do much to change my friendships with these people. Sushi and Dungeness crab Running along the embarcadero after work Tyger's Diner (in general, I will miss this neighborhood, and the people we've met, a lot) The network of discount stores I frequently shop. Divey bars that have latino karaoke, wrinkled hot dogs in a crock pot, and Hamm's beer The ability to change terrain in 3.5 hrs Yosemite. Tahoe The way it feels at night, surrounded by Victorian architecture, on a hill overlooking the bay The smell of eucalyptus Sea Ranch Hipster nights Golden gate park, dolores park, glen canyon park The way I feel when I cross the bridge back from the East Bay into SF, and the city just comes into view. It never ever ever gets old to me. Fresh organic produce delivered to our door/Farmers market Being able to get anywhere without a car California camping. It's perfect, the way I always dreamed as a kid, because yeah, i dreamed about this stuff oddly enough. Hippie grocery stores. Like hard core ones with weird shit. The idea of the West. I think somehow, I'll be back. Gimme 20 years. The person I was when I first moved here, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. Full of hope, full of dreams. I haven't been that person for a long time, but I'll always miss the part of me, the part of my life that was San Francisco. Things I won't miss: How things that are only 7 miles away, seem like forever. I've been to East Bay how many times since I've lived here? Parking, or lack thereof Not having a garage or driveway Sharing walls with other people Our house that is falling apart with no doors that are hung at 90 degree angles, and a back door that has been filed down so many times that it won't close Walking up hills after a long day at work Convenience fees for every thing Hipsters/SF Dbags that pretend to be outdoorsy and laid back but are seriously the douchiest people on the planet. Yippies (yuppie + hippies) Danny's room My job Having a top floor and bottom floor that is not connected to each other except on the outside Bay Bridge Bad cyclists Dbags with racks on their car who never use those racks Reserving crap 6 months in advance (I'm sure this is not the only place. i'm hopeful it will be different though) Our busted kitchen that has the worst layout ever People who cannot function without first checking yelp, or who can't attend a concert or anything, without immediately blogging about it, taking a photo of it, tweeting it, etc Silicone valley multimillionaire nerd mentality. Annoying and entitled. Parking 10 blocks uphill from my house. Moving the car every 2 weeks. Things I'm looking forward to: Buying a house with a basement Being close to both of our families Change in weather/seasons Proximity to NYC Being warm in the summer Chick fil A A hopefully, not-so-stressed out existence Free museums Shenandoah Exploring new places Drive-thrus Parking lots Having more than one closet Space A real garden A dog A driveway where we can finally park the airstream trailer we've been wanting buying real furniture, finally Painting or decorating a place the way I want wearing summer dresses (i have so many, i wear them once a yr, maybe) renaissance fairs. heh. pretty ghetto out in cali. Like all change, I'm not so resistant to the change itself, but more, the inability to let go of the past. I'm too sentimental for my own good, and the moment this started to become more real, I started to become really sad. It started to sink in that my life was different, and would be different. The trifecta of change: getting married, moving, new job (? or at least ending my old one and trying to determine what I really want to do). In some strange way, I've always known that I was on borrowed time here; that it was never meant to be forever. And for some strange reason, I guess I always felt the change would happen after the seven year mark. I'm going to spare the long thoughts on how I felt I've grown and changed and what I'm taking away. The truth is, I came out here on a dream, to find myself, to live in a place I've never lived, on my own. I'm leaving still searching for those same things -- still trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do, and what it all means. I'm better for doing it though. Better because of the people I've met, and experiences I've had. And if I had to sum it all up, it would be something incredibly cliche, something like, live the best life with the time you have left. Enjoy every moment as much as possible. It goes by fast. Really, really fast. What a ride -- amazing and difficult, and surprising, and heart-wrenching, and so many other things I couldn't possibly ever describe. What a fucking ride. I'm going to be forever tied to this area, and I think, no matter where life takes me, I'll somehow find my way back. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life. Holding my breath, closing my eyes, and trusting that this is right. |
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